When Does It Stop?
How long will it still continue?
How long will it hurt and make me sad every time I hear someone has succeeded in falling pregnant?
How much longer will I feel like this?
Its so annoying.
I feel petty and nasty because most of me is so happy for my friends and family, but a part of me wants to cry and throw things like a 5 year old and ask “why not me”! And they’re not any less or more deserving than I am.
And every time it happens, I try and force it back into its corner and ignore it because I feel stupid, but it surfaces again and again. And then I tell my sweetheart because I promised him I wouldn’t keep things like this from him, and then he feels bad because he can’t do anything to make me feel better… I told him yesterday that “the number” is back up to 9, and he said that he’s sure I’m the only one counting. And he’s probably right. But realising that hurt, and I don’t know why.
And I want to visit these people’s blogs and email them and chat to them, but I feel like a fraud because I’m leaving comments and talking to them- even though I mean what I say. And I really do.
But there’s a lump in my throat all the time.
And then like last night, I cry myself to sleep again and I wake up angry with myself for being so ridiculous.
And then I think I’m okay finally, that I am moving on and moving up.
And then it happens again.
And every time it happens I succeed in making these women feel bad about hurting my feelings and making me sad when that should be the LAST thing on their minds, and then I feel kak all over again.
Fuck.
Pass the tissues.
33 comments
There are no good words. I’m really sorry that you are hurting. Big Hugs…xxxxx
*huggles* I get it, I totally do and the only way I got over it is by being pregnant. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you, because I understand the turmoil this causes inside.
Just know we love you.
acidicice´s last blog ..Sore, Sarah and Sing Star
I know there is nothing I can say that will ease the pain you’re feeling. But know that you have people who care about you. I am sending you a hug all the way from California. It’s late here so sleep lekker. Xoxo
I’m sorry. I can only imagine how much it has to suck to feel that way.
If it’s any help, you don’t make me feel bad about being pregnant. I just feel sad that you’re not happy, which would be the case whether I were pregnant or not.
And if you have to feel resentful and petty and all the other stuff, let yourself feel what you need to feel until you’ve felt it long enough. I can deal…
MeeA´s last blog ..Birthday Parties, Dinosaur Surgery & Remembering the Fallen
I have no idea how you are feeling. I just see the heartache and sadness and it makes me sad. Don’t feel guilty for being jealous. I cannot imagine one pregnant lady out there who would hold that against you, why should they? You just go ahead and vent and do whatever you need to do to cope. But don’t keep it all bottled up that is not healthy. Big hugs
It is hard but just think at least you have a man you love alot who loves you back so much and you’re going to get married, some people never get that, and you do have a son, some people never get to have any children. I wish I had a loving boyfriend, I think you’re lucky, and I would love to be a mother and my biggest fear is that it never happens, be thankful you already are a mother to someone
And maybe avoid the pregnant people 
*huggs*
Louisa´s last blog ..Live fearlessly… 
It sucks Angel. If I could, I’d wish a set of twins on you my friend. It’s hard sharing preggy news with you because I know that it hurts you - but at the same time I know you’d hate it if I didn’t just because of that so I don’t hold back, sorry. And you’re not the only one counting - it’s super bad luck to feel this way in the middle of a spectacular baby-boom. My count is up to 13 at the moment, as you know it’s been a more or less constant 12 since I found out about my own squishy in May. I know it probably won’t help at all - but there is a BIG hug waiting for you from me the next time I see you. You have a big heart Angel, it’s no wonder it hurts so much having it broken…
Stop fighting it, it is normal and totally okay to feel the way you do. True friends while being happy about their pregnancies should be able to deal with your heart ache too, it takes nothing away from them. You are human and you are hurting ((((hugs))))
Sally-Jane´s last blog ..balcony revamp – before pics
Hi Angel - I am so sad for you. I know it really really hurts. Love and light to you girl.
(( hugs ))
The only thing you can do, is be honest to yourself about your emotions. Strongs. Lot and lots of hugs!
Alet´s last blog ..School Photo’s
((hugs))
“hugs”
zola237´s last blog ..Being passionate
i have no wise words of comfort. i listened to tertia say the same thing so many times.
“But there’s a lump in my throat all the time.”
xxxx
I hate that you are hurting. Soos in baie. Ek het jou vreeslik lief vriendin. You deserve every happiness.
I have not given up on Cornelius…
I don’t know what to say because I know that there really isn’t anything I can say. I just wanted to comment to let you know that I’m thinking about you and hoping that you’re ok.
Alida Hope´s last blog ..Serendipity
Oh my friend if I could have one wish right now, it would be for you to have a little baba. Dont apologise for your feelings babe, any of us that have had no problems having kids would feel exactly the same way.
Your dream will come true one day Angel, I am sure of it!
Tanya´s last blog ..Some Family Pics
I agree with all here - friends pregnancies are a thing they are really thrilled about. I don´t think they feel awful for being pregnant - I think that they feel sad and torn FOR YOU. Their pregnancy has nothing to do with you. It might make them feel awkward a bit, but certainly only sad cos they love you. How amazing to have friends that care so much! You are very blessed. It will happen one day - according to what is in store for you. Believe in that, and let things come. Giant massive hugs
Awwww angel,. i have been there and had to have treatment from the leading IVF team in the world to have my Rowan.
i couldnt go see friends babies in the hospital either.big hugs to you
as i learend while studying counselling…. emotions are amoral… neither good or bad. it show we expresss thatm that matters
I also feel sad for you, but like they said you have a stunning man who loves you whether you pregnant or not, he wants all of you exactly how you are.. You have to keep the faith. After I had so many miscarriages(all in 2nd trimester) I also felt sad every time I saw a pregnant lady or baby, it would hurt so bad, and now look, I have a beautiful baby boy who made it through the pregnancy. Keep the faith and positive words!! Lots of love xxx
I think everyone understands. Not the deep pain but we all understand what this must be like for you. I don’t think it’s wrong that you have those emotions. You want that for yourself. It’s not fair that it’s not happening. When someone else falls pregnant it is a reminder that you are not.
Sweetie. It’s okay. You may feel like that
(((hugs)))
Aw Man, I am so sorry you are feeling so conflicted and sad :-(..
Wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better but I don’t think there is.
But just know that I am here if you need a friend, k?
Briget´s last blog ..Emo Friday..
::big HUGS:: I am with you 120% on this and you know it! If I could get down there I’d totally help you paint that white elephant like nobody’s business! We could make a whole gallery of it!
I’d pass the kleenex but box is already soggy … edge of my shirt perhaps?
Darla´s last blog ..the new work dress code
Awww Angel, 2 weeks ago I was in your exact same space. Seriously. I know exactly how you feel, and I never thought I would be adding to your sadness. While I am over the moon happy, nevermind completely in shock that I am FINALLY knocked up, my heart goes out to you. Like a lot!
I cant wait to give you big hugs when I am home in December.
xxx
AngelinAfrica´s last blog ..My Little Petit Pois…
Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. They are 100 % normal. Of course you are still hurting. You kind of have to grieve for the loss of something you really wanted. xxx
Ag my Sis. You can come and cry on my shoulder if you want when you feel like that - I won’t ask questions or offer empty platitudes and I will never EVER judge you.
I hate to know that you are hurting so deeply, it breaks my heart. I wish I could take the eina and the pain and carry it for you, and I wish I could answer ALL your questions - those you voice and those you don’t.
Does it help to know that I love you dearly?
Probaly not really - but just know that I do, and my shoulder will always ALWAYS be available to you.
Brigitte´s last blog ..WHAT A WEEKEND!
i dont think that feeling ever goes away. but apparently you’re supposed to evaluate what you *do* have (ie: loving, awesome boyfriend/husband-to-be and awesome boy-man-child, going to be wedding planner soon etc etc) and you’re supposed to be grateful for what you have. i know it sucks, and i know it’s doesnt make up for what you really, really want, and feel you’re missing….but you know.
ito of advice, it’s all i got.
xx
ExMi´s last blog ..Body Thrills: Christmas Specials – Only a Few Days left to Order
I don’t know how long it lasts, but if you find out, let me know. Sometimes I wish I could just accept a life without kids. Make that decision and run with it. But it has a way of slapping you in the face on a daily basis. I know. The worst is the hope, crazy as it sounds. The tormented ‘maybe’s’. I hope we get our bundles. E-freaking-ventually
And I won’t even feel jealous if you fall preggies before me 
Mind you, anyone else - probably. I know the feeling so well. You’re happy for them, but…
Maggs´s last blog ..Aw….
hey girl
Im sorry I missed this post.
Let me tell you about that why me game.
its deadly for your psyche… how do I know?
Ohhh Im a huge player of that game.. In the end
Im the one who is unhappy and sad… no one else.
and what that does to the people around us is make
them feel sorry for you… and the last thing people
like us need is for one more freakin person to feel bad
cuz we do that enough ourselves.
So when I see happy couples, and teens that love their moms, and parents who love their children enough to never say leave, and nice people with decent things going on…. yeah.. it hurts.
But I guess part of getting out of it is never breaking to those tears in front of anyone else. Even Glugs cant deal with it.. ONLY you can.. but you know this… from inside your soul, you know it.
No one loves you less cuz you cant have a second child. Only YOU are disappointed in that fact… everyone else that cares about you could give 2 hoots if you have another… but they give a million hoots if you are very sad and unhappy.
so Im gonna say the wrong thing here…
pull up your big girl panties and learn to love what you do have so much that another being couldnt fit! Find something to fill that particular void. Perhaps being a mentor or big brother or big sister, work in a shelter, give to kids that have nothing… anything but allowing yourself that slow steep decline into the rabbit hole. Theres nothing worse than crawling and clawing your way out again, trust me, you know I know that.
I love you Angel… dont ever forget the friend you made when I came to your blog… never will I forget you. Not in a million years. Your patience is sooooo spot on, when Id blow up. I know that this is painful, but pain makes us stronger for others. Use it.
ps: Not that G doesnt count… he does… but Im sure no matter what, a child couldnt make up for you… he found you and wanted YOU.
the baby part is just natural urgings of nature. we all want to pass on an heir…
so NO bad words from me about G…. you know I think he is the bestest thing since chocolate! (for you of course) … but the last thing he want is your unhappiness. I can promise you that.
Sending you heartfelt hugs. And hoping that the hurt begins to fade, even if it doesn’t happen all at once.
Tamara´s last blog ..I forget what the title was going to be
i wish i knew. i get so hateful at times and yes petty. if you do find a way let me know please.
*HUGS*
JaneW´s last blog ..I don’t want no one else
HUGS
Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..Stargate Universe
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