I have to.

Else its going to drive me barmy.

I wrote a post almost a year ago about how we were “finished” trying… but it still hurts. I still get resentful and angry when someone announces a pregnancy. I still get envious and wonder why it can’t be me, us. Our turn. I still wish, in my heart of hearts, that I could give my darling husband a child of his own. A boy child. With his names.

I have apologised many times to my preggy friends and family in case I behave spitefuly or rudely… and that apology stands.

A year ago, after just over a year of trying to get pregnant naturally, my Glugster and I went to see a fertility specialist. The lab we went to has an excellent reputation and track record, and we were both keen to find out about our chances of having a baby of our own. The results were not good, for either of us, and we decided to leave it there. We didn’t want the stress and expense of fertility treatment. It was something we had agreed on when we started trying to get pregnant. Both of us had a lot of tests done, invasive and painful tests. And with each test result, the chances of our having a baby- even with fertility treatments- got smaller and smaller. We did the tests because we wanted to know. My brain functions very well when there are facts and numbers and percentages. And I needed that.

Now its just over two years since we started TTC and just over a year since we stopped. Its two years since I stopped taking birth control pills.

Even though we agreed that we weren’t going to “try” anymore, its still always in the back of my mind. Maybe this month something went right. Maybe this cycle… maybe… And then when I start my period I feel disappointed.

Its not as hard anymore as it was a year ago, or even six months ago, but its still shitty.

Then recently we were chatting again about “one more shot”. I decided I would approach it as clinically as possible to try and not get my hopes up. I Googled, I read, I researched. Then I spoke to someone who has been there done that and written the book- literally- and even though she’s not a doctor I consider her input and opinions invaluable.

I asked her some questions and advice, she asked me some questions, I sent her some of the test results from a year ago, and in her experienced opinion our chances are slim.

So I am going to try and get past this.

I now have the numbers and percentages I need to process things logically and properly. We aren’t going to go back to the specialist. We aren’t going to bother with any kind of birth control- even though I know actually being on the pill would help me jump this hurdle.

We will not be having our own baby. We will not be adopting a baby because we don’t want a child, we want our child. We will not be spending thousands of Rands on fertility treatments because it will be like farting against thunder.

My Glugster is okay with this. He made peace with this a long time ago. I need to deal with it now.

I have my knucklehead, so unlike a lot of women who are unable to conceive I have had a child of my own and I love him to death.

I have the most amazing, loving, romantic, gawjiss husband.

I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am fulfilling a long term dream by working for myself.

I have closed the comments. I am thinking “aloud” on my blog, and as in real life, sometimes you don’t want advice, you just want someone to listen.

All sorts!!

I am blissfully happy being Mrs Glugster. Seriously. Its ridiculous. The nature of our relationship hasn’t changed much, and our routine is the same except that I am home in the day now, but every now and then something reminds me that I am now married to this wonderful man. Its divine. Our honeymoon was sheer, relaxed bliss. Glorious. I’m working on a series of posts about our wedding that I will publish on my wedding site- Angel’s Weddings- so keep your eyes peeled for those.

I am working flat out on getting “The Cupcake Lady” sorted and started properly. I’m sorting out admin, I have files and printed quotes and invoices and I have a system that should enable me to keep track of quotes and orders, and prevent me from ever forgetting about an order, or not following up on one. This hasn’t happened yet, but I plan on being busy. And when I think about all my plans I get this nervous tingle in the pit of my stomach. I have so many ideas… And my darling Glugster has had the brain wave to call my experimentation “beta testing” and offer it as such for sale! I will announce what I have when I test new recipes or ideas, and then it will be available as a sale to whoever wants it, at a slightly “reduced” rate since it may not be perfect! Whaddaya think!? You all wanna be beta testers for The Cupcake Lady!??!

Damien and I being home together all day is definitely a challenge. I will write a more detailed post on this later but right now we’re butting heads almost daily and it breaks my heart. I don’t know how to motivate him or challenge him and its frustrating both of us. But thats a whole post on its own.

My mommy and daddy darling have spent a week away at their timeshare, and my daddy darling has had a really good week. His blood pressure has been good which means he can eat and sleep almost normally. I am so glad their break was a relaxing one. They both have a hectic time with my dad battling with his health and my mommy darling working all day. When they come back, they will also be following up on the possibility of getting him on a transplant list for a kidney. He has already told us, in no uncertain terms, that he will not accept a kidney from any of us. We understand this, but it is a little hard not to be frustrated knowing that one of his children may be a good match… at the same time, with the history of diabetes in our family we may well develop it later in life, and then we’ll need both our kidneys. I am praying he will get on the list and get a transplant quickly, as heartless as that sounds… there are other options, dialysis being the most likely. Its not easy.

This Sunday is my trash-the-dress, or TTD photoshoot with Jeanette Verster! I am looking forward to it immensely! When these photos are done, Jeanette will then start on all the editing and such for our photos. Then begins the laborious process of selecting photos for our designer albums… and I don’t know how we are ever going to choose!! Were her photos not phenomenal!? We were truly lucky to have two such incredible photographers in Jeanette and Kat to cover our wedding day. I simply can’t wait to see them all. We’re building up a wonderful collection of Jeanette Verster DVDs!!

So what are you all up to!?

My darling Glugster and I are on honeymoon!

Thassaright, I am officially Mrs Glugster with a certificate and all to make it legal!

I will be scarce till we get home again, but if you’d like a glimpse at the photos from the day, our photographer- the phenomenal  Jeanette Verster- has posted a “sneak peek“!! You may want to keep an eye on Kat Forsyth’s page too, she was second shooter for the day…

Enjoy!!

Thats right! Would you like to watch our wedding streamed live online? Here’s the link:

UStream

All you have to do is create yourself a free account using the “sign up” link at the very tippity top of the screen. You can also comment using your Twitter account- how cool is that!!

On Saturday (the wedding starts at 4pm) the streaming will start shortly before the ceremony and you’ll be able to watch and listen as if you are there yourself.

Do please remember that streaming will chew up a fair amount of your internet usage, so I do apologise for that… but there’s no better way for us to share our wonderful day with our loved ones far away.

Just 5 sleeps!

Just 4 days!

On Saturday at this time, I reckon we will be winding down our wedding reception, and I will officially be Mrs Glugster!

I can’t believe its so close already! I’ve been planning it for well over a year, and now there’s no planning left, its just final payments and meetings.

Tomorrow I am having my final fitting and collecting my wedding dress from the one and only ChristaB. The fabulous Jeanette Verster will be there to document my final fitting with ChristaB- the couture dress designer I truly never thought I’d be able to go to! My mommy darling, my bridesmaids- sister B and sister C- and the knucklehead will be there too. I was originally going to make everyone wait till Saturday- then only my mom and Jeanette would know what the dress looked like- but my sisters and Damien are all very curious and traditionally the bridal party is involved in the dress selection!

Right now, anyone and everyone who asks is told its green and orange with yellow accents, and its a tutu! And you’ll all have to wait till Saturday. I am really happy with the dress, lemme tell you.

I was also going to insist that no pictures of me be published on the interwebs until we get back from honeymoon as I find it incredibly inconsiderate for everyone and their dog to see pictures of the bride before she does- but since its going to be streamed live online my request would be moot…

So this week I am fetching my wedding gown, having my nails done, colouring my grey away and we’ll be having a couple more dance lessons. I am also going to be baking the cupcakes for our wedding, trying to catch up on some blog reading and trying to relax! The knucklehead’s outfit is sorted, he’s had a haircut, and my Glugs’ suit will be undergoing some final alterations.

After the wedding, there will be a series of posts on my wedding site- Angel’s Weddings- about all the things I planned and the ideas I had, so you may want to stay tuned for those.

5 sleeps… Just 5 sleeps…